you? I wonder... Me? I'm
a flyover that snakes its way
Halifax (I'll let you decide
s a quarter past twelve AM and

in Abbey Park (about three
moths dance across my stories
e I've written published pieces
liar with my name and work and
oday - but everything accepted
res from the real universe

ould it be that everybody
hether this dairy will be of
arly debatable question. Good
e first entry and all. If I
kind of conclusion, forgive me
t know how easy it is to keep

e why I don't buy a car or a
nnel and back home again. You
g around at this time of night
chos! rapists! werewolves!
their holes at the same time.
s simply dance and the tunnel

k more than ten yards without
e pretty hellishly weird. Thing
s to understand is the amount
alk. Problems, riddles, ideas,
ave - many times - clicked into
hts, or as my footsteps have
und. Found.
for shelter and I haven't been
use I want to be here. I like
rive, ride, bus it home... home
nd not think of each other.
It's not very big, not really,
cross the daylight-busy tarmac.
that, a DIY superstore. Down
hy, cobbled road to an ancient

res either end. Park near the
- stop- and then turn and run.
home in the morning mist.
to scribble that. Writing can
it though, I think.
If anything happens on the way,
not in Intensive Care.
ething: Chesters. Stuart

It's because I write, that's
, that's another strong one;
here's more... Something I
hink perhaps- oh hang on

rough, staring at me all the
. He grunted.

responsibilities such as work,
because I've realised I have
). Older readers, or you
the majority might have some
I explain?
Tunnel and observe people.
ue and tease, maybe even...

hrough, panting wheezily, eyes
really look at me. Animals
s kittens scuttle on past with-

ah: myself.
bout seven months ago, after
ich involved my mum and my
fteen; four years younger than
I can do is write short
r too sick to print or too
is makes me pretty talentless
om three jobs since I left the
the conclusion that, not only
loyable. I take creativity way

the other in Graphics, and on
d for a guy who's ambition used

ty, not because I wouldn't like
fidence and don't have any

l rejects: Gemma Forrest, an
as sex with anything in
ed (and she was once, as far as
ou ask); Steven Warwick, a
layabout who collects billion
sussed (but he hasn't); Tim
o lives with his braindead,
e this, thinks Manchester's in
, like Steve, he's very
gory fiction; and lastly,
DIY store up on Pellon Lane.
st: she's become what I would

er than me, a late-developer I
about twelve) but despite her
mature - she could do a hell of
e hours a day, of that there's
worked a late shift, she comes
a while. I enjoy our
he next one down when it

to see what she does. I don't
Though I'm probably wrong.
er parents in the Canary
night, so she told me a couple
balls to tell her this but...
e crazy).
ry cold. Tomorrow I'll tell you
ou'll keep reading. I have much
much more is going to happen.

ght, I stalked two teenage
ir heads and giggling like
el they muted themselves for a
it came:


the Tunnel.
iciously intensified by the
f thing you'd expect might
school classroom when the

d scantily dressed, and I
, (excitedly?) until they
nnel. Then, I closed my note-
to hide in the shadows, and yet
oes to ring as a distant menace
b Lane, kicking each other,
d back again (one even threw
ir careless, chaotic wandering

ng the desperate faces of
ed and abused... And my
- Karen. `How have you earned
ht. `Where did you buy your
eing more careful on the
il? Hell, do really, honestly

up with a hell of a lot of
feelings or opinions of
fair advantage of the innocent
? What gives them the right? A
lottery of fate?

sniggering and playfighting
hey increased their speed, kept
ch other. Head down, I just
lights buzzed. Footsteps
was around.
r, we were nothing but midges.
ps would appear that led up to
here, no matter how late the
o do it soon. Immediately.

print, I noticed the pair had
on a low wall. They were
like Kittens in a cardboard

ssing them wasn't right. What
d to go along with my feelings
if afterwords it felt wrong -

ed. I looked up. The girls
and shivering. Slowly, quietly,

d. The three of us stared out
ng to the hum of hidden

tement- rage- the world shook
a fountain of glass. I lashed
aking through hair, splitting
iners. The first shriek of
ly this could not be
round was natural? Not this

em in fours, the other
arkling with balls colour, I
, down onto cold brick.
her stomach. She gargled,
ther girl had gone- vanished-
grabbed a breast- squeezed it-

said (it's hard to remember).
never never never, or you are
came out steadily, but in
irous to rape- to torture- to
ral to this pathetic moth that

breast was completely flat
into flesh. The girl's eyes
t my other hand fumbling for my
going to- I was going to-

d ran. Ran, ran, ran... Where,
hell am I? What gives me the

ht, I'd better head home. If
okay guy, as you'll soon see.

today and added some graffiti
FUSION" I wrote... Done all
iting. My A-level in graphic
u know.
i in the Tunnel at this moment
ON Tour 90", "Smoke POT- it's
"I love TSO 92" (in jagged
eekie Chappies!", and of course
ginal - "Kay&Jonny", complete
t from beneath the &.
ifax before. I do not feel good
"mine" now. Like an animal
hit or something.
lked through the subway after
e was pissed through (it's only
k at me at all. He reminded me
ories. Strange - maybe he was.
't stay open. This job (job?)
live. Friday tomorrow, should
mma. We'll see.


sual to catch the drunks as
ked once and spat on three
ble name-calling attacks) but I
thetic and pointless sins one

out half past eleven. With no
ed, I felt my skin dampen: what

uckin homework or summing?"

swarming her, licking her ears,

and still studying at school.
tened of the term "work" and
f higher education for as long
xpects to use her eventually
a. Still, I'm not one to
let's be fair - no matter how
mma is still a little girl.
e surrounding males barked with
riously funny. I ignored them
or argue about anything they
ly) result in them completely
and tottered around, waiting
ring my usual, negative

with an impatient sigh (the
aindead males than for her).
ously I was either stupid or
d calmed, Gemma wormed herself
ace gazing into mine.
dge girls like that... Smooth
hing in case it's just make-up
, and beautiful blue eyes...
ou stare for long enough.
nd what've you got? A human
ten you.
a short black skirt, a thin
rough it) and a dark denim
hefty chest to poke through.
and here's the proof"? "Gemma,
little girl, I'm just not
em for a start.")

ed it again. "Ah, nothing."
t came with a smile.

?" She's always asking me that
ording to Gemma - unless he's

en you start it?"

given up on her and drifted on
could see faint shadows waving
thern box.
ing bastard," she muttered.
you sit under this stupid

pped. "I've told you, I'm not
off with your boyfriends."

. I can imagine at this stage
ll my problem is. I ought to

ant, my real, inner-feelings
h those of Gemma's. Second, I
that have, for that past three
nts from the scummiest depths
hird, I consider myself a very
, good joke, right? Right.

nterested. How many times do I
away and she ended up grabbing

isted. "Don't you fucking lie

And then she jumped on me.

st admit. Threatened to do it -
ver actually physically thrown

erfume and beer, and as we
ug her teeth into my neck. I
to clear a guy's thoughts.
nd, extracted, pushed, chin up,
ead between my knees.

OFF me!"
s don't you? Eh?"
rting my ears-"

onto my lips and let it build
was hypnotized.
And fell.

! on her upper lip. She closed
aware of the escape route
.. No. I don't think she wanted

he caught it on her cheeks, her
spit back, as if unnaffected.
winkled... This attack was a
ed on.
bombshelled her forehead - and
and voices. I clambered off
ware of being congratulated by
class face-shower.


ess my parents are rowing.
emma... Head jammed between my
the light of the Tunnel.

lutter and I wonder... Have


y - God said - is the day when

ying how shit and hopeless
ificent and promising and
going to be? No, probably not.

cript and it was late
m school and I could hear Mum
hoes off before he walking into

in the hallway. Mum and Richard
tiptoed up to the livingroom

become like him... Wasting his
. REAL career, REAL job...

lad I was eighteen when I
younger and I might have taken
the house with the bang of the

eps were quick. They had to be;
I was both.

et. The sky was white, the
] cars were droning by. "No,
t like me. Hasn't that twigged
, no! That's not true!"
ter. Richard jogged to catch up
ed away, teeth together. If he
into tears too, and then before
my knees, begging for a
be right where I was (where
e, I mean, Stu, I wanna read
ent, thought about apologising,

blood crouched sobbing in the

m the streets alone what am I
e with Richard what the hell am
s published am I supposed to
ow it away what am I supposed
I supposed to do what am I

o feelings. Adults are evil in
e a child and you can pass

s and it... Hurts. Why else
g hours writing shit nobody

his for ARE my parents. When
eep weep weep cry burn in Hell
to your own son.


no love whatsoever.

. You want monsters and ghosts
ds, look up James Herbert or
ny times (nothing wrong with
down on ice cold stone when
nd write under the Drug Tunnel
verhead lights and the chatter
, new questions about horror

read this, because I've done
with no market in mind, no
confine me. And yet my chosen

ay? I don't know. I don't give
actually happened, but it's
nal style; there are self-
with dialogue and
look at it that way. I've used
agery as I can. You need
ot just a block of boring text.
derstand: feelings, emotions,


atic, huh?



ng shite for the past few days.
m not going to edit anything
e, you're with my feelings. I
t slip away like that again.
e to tell.

that was. Just when I thought I
kirt, along comes Mr Knowitall
spectrum of hatred.


ohol. I shuffled away. He
here without being pissed?

: Question of the month.

rned away, as if in repulse.
l twat: when he first arrives
questions. Nice company. Then
lley". He proceeds to declare
on and on and on, until I
k off. It's always the same

not. I looked at Steve through

touched you up when-"
nna talk, talk quietly and
wn sick ideas. Understand?"

haven't got a sister!"
Something musta happened. This

OFF, cunt."
all normality. It's never
g seems to have really...
began this diary. Quite odd,

st Friday."
anybody last Friday."
as it fluttered against the
it fell on the floor and began
so interesting then.
ur dick out and spunked all

in her face, alright? I spat."

lt like repeatedly whacking him
sness, then pissing in his
y teeth scraped together.
pe, and a good job it is too;
ly would have repeatedly
d in his mouth: I'm a fucking
ucky stars I found writing,

hispered, more to himself than
omething. No change there. "You
've gotta be past fifty to
ce and all that. You've nothing
ked at me again, his goatee
What ever you want to say...
Everything in the world has

en he first came out with it
oint I suppose - most things
r destroyed. Only the super-
ology - or the incredibly rich
e voice in the world.
d Steve in an equally soft

. The lights buzzed.

icked it. "Why what?"
this!" His voice echoed the

sness. Take religions which
.. Like, say, Christianity.
n't/weren't willing to accept
ce - so they scribbled down a
werful Spirit) being the ruler
blindingly obvious fictional
sad pricks believe in it all.
en again, isn't everything?)
a young, fairly attractive,
ing the early hours of the
tebook for absolutely no reason
t. And it doesn't fit with
don't think). There >HAS< to
ty... I've been molested,
e, shouted at, I'm afraid of
re, I'm attracting my peers'
for my being here is
any one of them was true he'd
d me. I reckon I'd never see
complex jigsaws.
silence. "I'll sort you next
e. Sure you're not walkin up

ff down the Tunnel. He came
rong way.
A couple of other bodies have
ng this but to be quite
tion. Sorry.

asn't just my knackered brain.


then hello again, then "Gemma,
ut she didn't stop, didn't sit

hat I had her in the first
I suppose.
but she was human... And the
roll about on the floor of
her face. What I bastard I am.

bly like me to]

the past half hour. Haven't
alarm installing company, has
en I first met him I admired

, most cornered pissants on the
to boot.
nly job he can get. He hates it
to keep money coming in from
regnant his parents chucked him
like to be chucked out by your

thing in common: they're both
ike rabbits.
share none of the same
other stands up. Doesn't work,
he bollocks. The only thing
d she's got a fanny. In out in
y cokey and you fuck up your

ing from our conversation. We
old), about books and stories,
use in my forthcoming fiction,

. "Jobs are okay," I remember
ing for the first week or two
of your life."
er impatient response --> That,
ng great.
tractions about becoming a
" as such, there are no set
pay (at least, for your first
on the employment market]
orth relating.
know. Funny how things can
hrough the murky teenage
ere times when Tim slapped me
lf... And yet he was sat here
chatting to me like we've

or story I'd written myself out
-dropped class, Tim got great
punch-bag. After "Bleeding
ed talking to me about horror
me one strange and bitterly

[it had to be a trick]. As it
e became good mates. He even

k him why he'd punched the shit
nated me, it did, how anybody
nted fiction and turn from bad

- and still doesn't to this
rd when everything's boiled

ang out in the Tunnel for so
d to the fact that he's partly
childhood was panel-beaten
like him. Every slap, every
-> it's all still in me, some-
-scarring trauma - many people
d of thing, and far worse - but
nnot see it.
childhood thinking about
m down as incidents in stories,
of a murderer instead of a
es my fiction: with out it, he
is own description) --> stuck
perhaps: me, his Frankensteins

e's average company, and - I
ot the kind of guy to spice up


cted to my often bizzare and


which you regularly spend time
, the local library, your
ound to crop up sooner or
that one.
's time appearing in my dreams.
sitting in a mind-rendered
ths which have my "friends'"
a reason).
ross-legged in the middle of
hter (up-down) between my eyes.
ly naked - and there were three
in a neat line just ahead of
nd wrapped around each was a
a picture of a sky-blue car

imes, which is why I went into
this morning and bought myself
into supermarkets - they're
hing deathtrap, full of stuck
ugh nobody seems to notice,
ling and scuttling and nibbling
ks. But I'll tell you about
rld in general - another time.
ngs to discuss).
e, paid a visit to the "Wines &
' guess what I found...
w the wine is the exact same
e he popped his cloggs, hence
a hectic fishing trip and
reamscape which I am now - on
reacting to.
A good excuse to down the wine
nearly a month's dole). Right
beneath an off-putting thorne
ey're gonna get found, but
the average by-the-side-of-the
d the path's sacred: if you
shit. Yeah, right).

he Tunnel, just like the one I
at school. Only better - and

hy? It's only a horse with a
about that? What makes it so
othing except the way it looks.


ked naked through the Tunnel.
lmost painful `prickling'
ose teenage girls a while ago
and cold against my skin.
f occasional vehicles made me

d, then got dressed. Nobody
do that again. I don't feel

nk it'll be worth keeping you
ere must be a reason for it.
u when/if I find out).


Tom today (I'm not only
now - I'm squeezing out some
d, but I feel disappointed,

andle when I was attending the
ago (before it closed down due
ne of the few "clubs" I've ever
erning writer's groups: one or
dominate and even destroy what
althy workshop; they can become
writing to and for each other;
lly) hostile and off-putting to
"nice" (any work read out
d the table).
be heading off in any of these
out my, shall we say "sicker"
s to the set tasks.
the workshop seemed like heaven
the door was met by a huge
Yes! It was as though I had at

p in touch by sending mail to
eople who regularly attended,

lified by a workshop, or taken
for that matter. They're just
I'll ever understand why a
ings) can possibly be rejected
dly laid out manuscript, some-

floating around, plus a full
than three months ago called
l: he reckons it kicks the shit
ay's market, but what the hell
a book published. Not anymore,
ame-based. Too commercial.
titions because of the language
es this sucks: where's the
d fuckstains who haven't a clue
= modern language, you prune-
gged yet? Just because I don't
a & biscuit party doesn't mean

rejected, that's it. No more
empts at "breaking through".
best work I've ever done, so
hell, why dream of
t, I know I don't. I think too

the Tunnel tonight. So I've

omes more vunerable? At night
p at night - some even alarm
body could open the front door

hts intact makes you realise
insane - me perhaps? - to walk
to open a front door, it
o close up behind, to creep, to


lysis aren't I? Not to mention
I don't know whether that's a
t writing as a form of therapy,
said a lot of what I'm writing
Psychotic Dreams.
ell tell you a little about

does get accepted for
s and additions and God-knows-
oint taking a week or so out
name - Psychotic Dreams is
why fuss?]
obiographical; after over-
other, I went into suicide-mode
ferent ways.
think teenagers are perfectly
ctive phase. It's just standard
yourself did you? What
the surface - to the outside
e it is trivial, or something

th occurs is it? It's not so
to emotional shreds. If, on
icide, think about that one.
at, chain-reacting power. A
power that, once freed, can

book about the confessions of
rban life has been one of abuse
s are his only escape from a
raped him of all forms of

es... And learns to solidify
threads of hope remain, only to
side world. He decides to
tic, perverted fantasies --->
. Animal cruelty. Child sex.

it ought to be banned, it
haps it is... But it was either



her, I don't think I want her
omething's gone wrong. Some-
es seem thicker. Their heads...
y're just... More defined.

latter of Gemma.

y to write.
Wasn't Gemma. Was Dianne.

pockets. Shivering I think...
clouds of supergiant moths. I
p, pen pointed at the roof, and
... Believe...
sa as she came out of the
lpattern wall opposite. Her
ing shadows spun webs across

aid, "Please... I need to know
t voice. My book eased
ring and breathless - as I rose
d the Tunnel bugs from my skin.
ho- like-"
nally threatening. I was the
drils of smoke rising from my
ted her feet. Scratched an
h her tongue.
ously. `I want to steal you
to a thousand pieces. Girl girl

, if- if you-" She took a deep,

hisper. A strong, confident,
e me your shit, Chesters, you

streaks of red desperation,
fell- "Why am I pregnant why

a perfect vaccum. My heart.
times must I scribble bull-
ne mothnest? Here, on the floor
e reality of truth.
fter page of pathetic lies]
.." I crouched, made as if to
o words of comfort, no escort
hung forever between us.
and ruthless riddle-thought.
of drink and an invisible
nage male, asleep from
he flicker of TV in his closed

ourful wordshit smeared across
he Tunnel through the northern
low, staring as he passed.
ut here you two friends? or

miling a true smile. Her eyes
d, charcoaling speech. What
nd of a petrified lifeform,
, it's own jarred existence.
as confused just confused

pper legs, her stomach, between
, never... I would never do
out for a few seconds. Went
some... Things. But never, I

you aren't, perhaps it's just

ntly triggered nightmare had
ke. I grinned when I realized
an all-destroying sea of dark

ng the walls. "Cath & Kim",
marks of a hundred people
Dianne", I thought of
r when normality crept back...

n. Run like the wind!]

across the floor, climbing to
. "Bye." She waved.
back if you want to talk," I
in silence, like a traveller
to her own, alien universe.
he same; from the moment they
the darkness, they are in MY
of this rotten, battered

rite anymore. I'll be better


dn't. There's more good in me
"wrong" with me. You try
t. It soon gets to you.

metimes I think it's better to
to write them down... Ah I
n't I can't I can't.
ntry was a bastard to write.
nning of this diary, I never
t from each of my "friends" and
e as a result of Karen's return
I mean come on, I've lingered
of a toilet for nearly a whole
little outside, anyway. In my

here between reacting to the
down as it goes on. If I don't
l be buggered if I know. I'm

so there's little I can tell
elf sorted, or in so much of a
ve become the last person on

ame. I know that wasn't perhaps

"Here Dianne, kill me! Kill me
e her my trust. And I ask you,

left the Tunnel two days ago
ountry - but it's taken until

ugh here. Sometimes many nights
ul. Oh, cars drift by up on the
very often, nobody comes.
mpty. I'll start on the last
... But when the vehicles above
ing at that strange blue-car

disturb them, make them shoot
ete like ping-pong balls in
rs either.


of Dianne. Or Karen. Or anybody
full of drunks I didn't spend
get into any shit, not after

tonight, like there's some kind
he lighter: perhaps it's a tool
They'd no longer be moths of
. Sounds like good fun.
rrived late, or taken the day
l be back (hopefully)... God I

really stem from the past, or
n the logic of time?
umatic/damaging experience" has
(and, perhaps more import-
ction... There are none of
e deepest chasms of my brain,
of that.
nest? Well... Who am I writing
n-existant audience... Or just

ts and brother. If they're the
it... But... Is it possible to

me lengths of time due to the
n" (temporary mental illness?)

become the truth: I sincerely
t nothing "traumatic" has
eans, if I am lying to myself,
is that DID happen.



out Karen? No.... Neither of
, not that I know of.
do? Are the attributes "good"

very human being is "neutral"
aggressive genes)... ie:
must be a certain age - perhaps
(nurture, basically) - at
consciously? - "decides"
ted more towards "good" than

...? Or is it winging up and
s this state of imbalance any


neutral point" found? Who is to
ttering around on this line

ow what, but something is. This

or anything.
predefined by no-"

hen I hope I'll be able to tell
ith Karen.


iends, for Sunday is the day
ck all will happen to anybody."

than usual. It's still daylight
of black ones... Just bigger

t yet. I never see them arrive.
t- POOMF! the air is alive with
here do they come from?
through at this kind of hour.
me as per usual. They're afraid
now. Can't be sure of course,
ndering in through a black box,
an't enter this dimension).
or a murder down here wouldn't
tion. Ha! Blind bastards...
what ever they do. Hell,

ne. Come on Kaz...

just then. I was scribbling
shadow in the nothern box. As
d the feeling of being watched
her, it did, I swear to God it
g. Came half-way into the


t the fuck am I hanging about
at a BITCH! Fuck fuck fuck fuck
fuck fuck fuck f

ht. Shame you can't erase ink

his morning, rather)... Him and
ss out of me, of course. Got me
ht ---> Hell, you know the
if I'm being dragged too close
r that might entail). Am I
pid questions, forgive me: I
that matter, and even then I

've become a very lonely and
admitting it's not my fault.
else did. Where's the wrong in
s and grow up?


thirteen; I got laid when I
y "mates" were still having
t's not my fault, okay? IT'S

anywhere in life? Hell, DO you
or is that yet another fucking
t is normal? Is normal wanting
osy garden, a handful of kids,

coming to this place? Stop

ps I'm a cut above the rest. I
tclubbing, girlhunting,
r multi-named activities
m happy... And yet not happy...
p and as confused as buggery,

ou want to spit; nightclubs are
when you first walk in through
quite what you dreamt it would
plenty of that]
ood in your mate's eyes. But
. Who would understand and who
explainably found yourself in

ctive to our eye-
s are most important-

e never noticed before. A
de the head of my unicorn. I
y are now? S'nothing on the

em out, obliterating the memory
ream? Did the moths do

ike what she said at all.

ber who they all are?
isn't a book. There is no plot.
can remind you when ever I
my world. You need to know
on this diary exists.
all. Even love. When misused,
can of course be illusionary...
fore so often a cheap, pathetic

r whisper that to her. Why say

age would not look twice at
ejection in her greenblue eyes.
of the crystal clear perfection
present youth population. If
have anything at all. If what
y won't have anything at all.
attractive by several members
tive members of the opposite
Important? Special?

s on TV declare: if you're in
l of your life. But looks are
auty catalogue prior to being
ust naturally keep. Forever.
, perhaps. Because I show no
acted to me: it's NOT the way
nge for her. She believes I'm
elieve - in many ways - I'm
slide down her body as she
ds me back.
ny, I respect the girl. But I
e talks. I don't like the way
, her ignorance, her periodic
exually involved with her. When
hed: I was nothing, nothing at
knew my name: that's all that
te success as a writer and saw
shadows, did she allow me to
here. I'm no longer asleep.
le peer-tides. No, kiddo: I'm

inny white twig of a child -
ion: the Eleven Plus Year. It'd
ack then - I didn't of course -
e still caught my eye; I don't

ble to imagine I could feel so
I would meet again and become
ds destined to fall in love
't know.
rough school called Holmfield
from where I still live to

ed the all-important test (or
got offered a place at sixth
hool called North Halifax
re... And yet physically she
it happens sometimes. Boys and

had no tits whatsoever, not

exchanged words with Karen. She
ng God-knows-what in the
up a book at random ("Human
another) and wandered over to
n she jumped and I apologised.
sit here?"
taring, as if her brain had hit
's filing cabinets. When her
ound me. You can't forget some
m. You just can't.
w hellos in the corridors for
the piss taken out of me for
ar tart" so for a while
best to avoid contact with
t understand the appalling
etic talker, something which
her. Throughout her childhood
, a very minor amount of true,

k very quickly (and she'll be
ice I find... Wonderful. Just

h form, we'd become very good
our homework down the deserted
chool (Karen doesn't live very
writing and she showed great
s for a few (admittedly
wn simply because she'd been

as just a teenage fetish - when
antastic legend.
uscripts to read - beginning,
lding up to my more intense,
me I left school we were ready
of us poured anything out. One
direction of partners and
up enough confidence to direct
e, because I think we're STILL

look at or desire any other
erfect partner. Another stupid
sturbated over a girl I knew
" with that girl - it was the
existing-person" wank. By the
ll bet there was only Gemma and
ist... It was as though I was
, I won't jack off over you

hormones under control, I'm not
you're shuffling up through
becomes the most important
y above exams - but now?
e schoolboy kind of way. But...
must must must be mine.

rlier this year, and stopped
er for about five months, so
ight. I walked her home: one of
had. Company, that's all she
ight o'clock, and either runs
he Tunnel and talks to me until
due. I hate all vehicles
e said before, but in Karen's
ort is quite understandable:
ill, I don't think I'd be up to

and I hugged for the first time

ke I could crush her if I put
This, I fully expected: her
precious to me... Like a rare
destroyed - ruined - by the
I was as gentle as I have been
is pleased me. I think a kiss
against her cheek, but alas, we
osite each other on the floor
d, Karen with a bright yellow
thing but her usual, empty

caring much; she shouldn't have

deserts all over the island,"
the Sahara, only not as hot or
kin cool, yeah. Like- really

book. Waited. Glanced. Her eyes

he has a way of looking at me -
which I find mysteriously
ose who believe personality is
ct" from a person and "insert"
twitch, every move, EVERYTHING
is entry for two and a quarter
about Karen. She borders on

scription of her appearance? A
vations? I could give you each,
bserve: it's by far the best
lysis in today's society. Hell,
bastard diary]
ossed a small, shiny keyring
through my fingers. It was
ture of a beach at sunset and
fully inside. "I know it's not
hardly any money and my mum
ged. I saw this fuckin ace hat
serpents kinda curlin round
ouldn't afford so I got you a
nk? I think it's nice."
didn't sound too much like
be: I still treasure Karen's

ezing." I laughed too. "Of
ould fry an egg on the floor.
gg on the floor cos it'd get

ppose it would."
o anyway... I went swimming in
the sand kinda sloped down
tarted you know? Only this
e German... But I think he was
nd helped me swim back to the
twisty kinda dive-thing and

obviously much-enjoyed
d of her amazing child-woman
in recalling every event.
al, and I looked up from a
book as I listened. But Karen
didn't look like she was going

l you next time, maybe."

have you written any more

y, ignoring her question.
ot anythin for me to read or
and your book and stuff?"
ually believe I'm gonna get a
ey won't write back Karen, they
you're a teenager."
will. I'm not experienced

led, echoing the Tunnel. The
negative all the time okay?
tive. They WILL reply because I
yway," She stood and looked
miss my bus. S'been nice.

this somebody you met?"

at- you met a bloke out there?"
t!" she began to walk away.

t has gone numb I will see you


. Here's something I haven't

aren works. It was my second
(my first being at a branch of
e there were so stuck up I quit
about a month, working after-
st week I thought it was okay -
s up my spine - and then a new
hing went haywire.
way I looked, the way I stacked
ucking pencil. In the end I
fat arse and left - setting
ehouse alight on my way home.
I'm on the subject, lasted just
ition with a re-vamp crew who
sive new supermarket just out
hich is how I came to find this
st wasn't for me: I got
tools (I never was any good at
by the gaffer himself - the
bastard. I thought that kind
gly head in school playgrounds.
and trashed the half-
helves and cupboards and
d up when I'd done, narrow-eyed
you think you're doing?" he
e (and horribly self-indulgent)
xt Stephen King and that one
ths with a copy of my latest
signature. Of course, the guy
o a loud "Go home and fuck your
u fat cunt!" before he could

ey drain your life away like
lips by some kinda gigantic,
ll it the Vortex
lite lady in a fur coat just
a gorgeously cheerful and
orry about this. Let me pick

ke about Karen is her apparent
onths of full-time work I think
xtended chat (yes, even for
oducts, barcodes and prices is
he went on holiday she was
things we used to talk about -
o change the world... Nothing
e. I gave her a redraft of the
took it home and brought it
that she'd read it. I know
ew nightmare sequence' I'd put
'... Only I hadn't written a

(though I often wonder if

ut it doesn't look like it (the
m surprised none of my other
Tim, Steve, Gemma... er...
fucking popular guy I am.
e dark, handsome bloke whilst
ith him. If that's the case I'm
rience is okay (I got mine from
even, believe it or not) but
g long-term... Surely, please

ay. An unwelcome black figure
that dump... The moment I
c doors, it brought the few
employment I'd spent there

memory; it's not like I could
been entirely revamped with
. I think it was just...

t as many as there was when I
e still around alright: I
behind the lawnmower displays -
ng like giant black crickets,
n't know what they do, what
ck up the dust, but they
big they are because they're
be surprised if - out in the
our average cat.
ut there are no moths in Retail

me until I'd finished my
unter, folded my arms and
eighbour and turned to face me,

fuck're YOU doin here?"
k like?" I said.
as if she couldn't quite grasp
in front of her, in the fucking
at the stuff I intended to buy

me: "What's the fuckin rope
sh bags... Do you?"
king my head round. "Argue with
he manager, do you mind if I

oyed. Good.
ing the queue simply because
about looking like an insane
Dis is that most people tend to
death at the moment.
they call em, no shit) and
ill bleeped.

you're doing... But..."
what I'm doing."
looked at me, seriously. Karen
tries, but it's a rare and
e convincing attempts. I gave

h the counter and flopped it

he rope through. I bagged it

nine... Stu-u?"
She took it. "See ya later

ge and recipt- Stu, will you be
o come down and talk... Stu

cut me off from her beautiful,
colourful, Bug-infested world

moths are big big big. And

his wobbly, drunken state. The
uding like exhaust fumes, his
rangely fatter than usual. And
his was TV influence at it's

brother?" - That before he'd

swer." He collapsed beside me,
of his mouth.
ng in my notebook. "Three

bolted upright. "You made a
ow did your parents react to

d to his son. `Very

s tonight, Steve," I said and
t slightly, say something

ell you?)

it, right?"
body has ever offered me a

g dick,' I thought, but
st to see where it all ended
e Your Brother More Than You'
e... For the first time ever,
lly done some serious research
poken to Richard, or even Mum.
ious about (excuse the

ing his fag out.
se, and stubbed it out on the
f his nut to realise what I'd
, found nothing there, flopped

n she loves you," He said in a
hersing that line since he got
He watched the moths for a

e nail more-or-less on the head
he deserved a respectful
bardment. By not answering, I
uspicions either. Perhaps he'd
idea, thinking this one had

s?" He blurted suddenly. I
rawling for the southern box.
`wins' the next time Steve
indeed). But we'll see.


of the day wandering rather
gh - there's always people and

s... And then suddenly I'm
server. Being scrutinized and
wn beside me, peering inquisi-

ou paintin things?" She
agrams I'd been doing. "Can I
to draw a surprisingly
ly she stopped and looked at me
can you make pictures with no

r a response, a sharp female

've I told you about talkin

ed hastily towards the source
and a muffled yelp echoed
teps receded.

se - come and put the colours

domestic bollocks out of this
won't have any choice but to
rents WILL find this place...
iece of work, this study of

I've seen him strolling round
uck-up bitch of a girlfriend.
t the moment (ie: nothing is
eriously `in the shit' when he
into my lair.

undoubtedly KILL the

Dad, why don't you just come
ust bring your shitty little
come on come on come on come

atience is the key, I think.
they've nothing better to do
ver to return.
ning. I reckon one of my


c tiles have fallen away in the

dence of course, but it's quite
one of the fragments fall out
t I'll be fucked if I can find

too keen on hanging around
rd would turn up.


That's a long way for you,
uch better to get a car and
life, get grown-up.
walk - not run, jog, sprint,
l the way back home, from the

ll back into my own chaotic
ke trying to fall asleep: the
ever remembered, never quite
and from this place - it takes
o quite literally "leave myself
really believe I'm somewhere
o, I dunno what/where it is.
es, I'm not sure, I CAN'T be

occupied while walking to a
, to simply observe your
people, the activities, the
ion of walking in the first
these `normal' methods if the
r (or both).
ea during the daytime, but at
ars to function as they should
ck his head in nick it", etc).
ed small goblin-type creatures
f occupied. These ugly monsters
rcraft. Destination Tunnel. Or
em weather reports, ETA's,
tions with my imaginary
e menu... Anything to keep the

nd in my fucked up brain, I
o music, I can't enjoy the
it all too well. The only
cking intensely... I feel to
cross over to a strange,

st "body leave" I've ever had.

g Karen>
orth? Yes Illingworth!---
I'm back home. Stop at the
cratch head, glance at watch

shit could really be something
my physical fitness - Jesus, I
st the repetitiveness that's

een on through. Isn't that nice
all in and see me?
thin voice and sat down
hed as she rummaged through
piece of lined A4 with a few
t offered it. I paused before



lous I met somebody."

," She rattled the sheet of
ng poem, read it, go on." Her
I thought she was going to
for a while to see if it would
they didn't. She started biting

round and round
my head
t you down
hing I said

tch the birds
I fly
ond the hills
our side

. Folded it up. Gave it back to
d, I wrote it." She gasped.

ke it back. I looked at the
d take it back. And I smiled

rt little skirt down, giving me
y notebook back into

E Mr Nice Guy Chesters," Karen
y think you're some kind of
l you now, you're fucking NOT
but you're NOT. You thought
u? Nobody at all. And now some-
kin jealous aren'tcha. Well
breath. "The boy... The man I
come true, do you see what I'm
ad come true. I want to be with
because you're my best friend,
so fuckin hard... You're
you just say you're jealous,
here we fuckin stand, just say

at her and threw my book down

DO IT--]
whispered. "Okay, I'm going,
and began to walk away. Her
lesh. She started weeping...
he night.
d stupid laugh.

write this entry, I found a

they've always-

rday didn't you? Well forget
after people. I'm sick of it.
to hang on tightly to the
ne, always, I'm treated like
h it all. Well bollocks.

ht's little episode with Karen.

hern box. Just a shadow-curve.
these words down. Her fingers
just peeped- what shall I do?
I do?]

slid away. S'gone now, and I
her. Perhaps she's a ghost. A
... Hell, maybe it's not Dianne
p in my head... But I don't
ed... Stomach-curve?

ith real terror in them down
g now: a sort of skin-tingling,
e with cold needles. The whole
m scared. Like seeing it under

opylene rope. A bundle of
A cigarette lighter. A healthy
. Buzzing lights that don't
aic stones; icy and tiny and
crack in the wall beside the

iously, just what the fuck am I

Huddled up near the southern
footsteps began to echo.
e didn't take any notice: with
reath, she was up, backing

e her - you know as well as I
today's entry.
I got a rejection slip today,
ry compendium being launched
been getting on my tits all
out on my computer without
f writing... Or anything else

MUST. I don't know who I am,

op for a chat. He was with a
per usual.
the scruffy one,"
same in here.
m alone," - Jee, some defence

al insults out - I get most of
listening to Tim's mates
it's hilarious. Tonight I've
bullethole", "cockwash",
ggot man" - although, glancing
(a converted telephone book), I
scrub that out. Yup, done.
received (from Tim obviously)
Stories Published?' but on
----> (a) it didn't even
ice But Dim really wanted an
k in here and repeated himself.
it? Can't you see it? I can
t as a cock in a mousetrap:
ey don't care about me, or each
f sub/urban youth. Everything's
it extinct. And hope, don't

yeah, I still have hope. I
ut... Whatever it is I've got
ile ex-schoolboys keep coming

er day was pretty harsh. Not a
e. In fact, it seems to me
t me off the writing business

t these days - a hell of a lot
orkshop period - but stuff of
aging nature, really does get

blishes horror/fantasy of any
ider material of "any horrific
guidelines. And yet they don't
t have it. Won't tolerate it.
e modern fiction without using

lly as insulting letter. Would
, five lines into it, and just
Why can't writers and editors
n up and attempt to understand

word `fuck'? Why do you find
four letters and roughly means
ou know! I mean... Why do you
entire population of this
ng basis, too?
k' into my prose just for the
ou're very wrong indeed. I
ers - about the present,
what their age, background or
`bad language' or `swearing',
n fact.
talking in the street? Have
in the playground? There is no
. It's one of those small
ply must be accepted.
ven if it soon becomes, as I
replacement for the commonly
l then, please cancel my
itty little 'zine.

y walked through: a black man


nt visions, same moths,
thoughts, half-asleep-

ell you:
h a box of tools sauntered up
flyover. The advert it
c film - was way out of date,
of felt-tip and spraycan

hing, smiling, unseen in the
work. He packed up his tools
rds him - so pathetically blank

ormal down here in the misty

d found I was looking into...
. Empty, bottomless, looking

. Pushed me out, sucked me in.
pain. My fist hit it,

over. Nausea washed over me. My
passed. Avoiding me.
but what does it matter?


t- as the events of the non-
in a rush of blood and

flame of a cigarette lighter,
ths have appeared as they
he thought of burning them
his book for all the bitter
nsider self-combustion.

weather in this industrial
ing when self-discussed. They
nets... Try to scrape me back
ine punishment I'm not quite

HAVE thought- I HAVE thought-
in this town - and listen to
alive, this place is living,
ng and destroying mutant moths,
's spinal cord, it's lover and
will CLICK.
- my unassigned tools buried
ibble as always, popping my
s in the social seas... And
s dance and the shadows of
ghts buzz (like the growlnoise
y fingers across my skin and
but the skin of a shark, a

r chunk of the mosaic unlodge
ghtening speed, but, as always,
f fallen stone.
have a T ladies and gents. A


n today, something that could
n read this. I dont like

bedroom window! Arrived beside
by a cold, cloudy darkness,
e woman who'd given birth to me
her home of every trace of a

d that before,
about me using language like
ned it. Still, she shouldn't
ilt, should she? Not at half
e day God told us all to

cool it. Play back the tape,
omething special, something
Okay, okay, here goes.



d. Fishcirclemouths, but no

an explosion of glass and
d the shining dice bounce and
nd weeds in its path, until it

and the front door was locked.

s and walked away.


ecause you've suddenly become
r, the piper, the freeman... A
ape of a planet you arrived on
ward customers.
ate moment between two randy
ary precautions. Lumbered with
amnation by a mother obsessed

a product in a supermarket. I'm
I attended, a brick in their
a human doormat for lazy,
ged by others via a physical
xistant God. Trapped in a

of this doomed planet, with no
ng to an abnormal heart-beat.

war - an end to the suffering
sh species that does not

ime and matter. But there is a
tained power, offered by true -
his is escape from pressure.
another part is certainty -

he Tunnel.


good... Fed to evil... what?
ams. Link worlds. Funny how the
ntle, cosy bedbeater what? I
f life's domestic requirements
ow what?
on't you just speak louder, I

suppose I'd better go and take
I dunno, tink them. The walls
mean I'm cracking too? And why
compared to every other day
bit beside my unicorn where the


d I'm terrified because I've
but I'm alright.
particularly comforting
the past few weeks I think
o I'm not gonna panic. If this
gonna let it say it. I'm not
! SHI T FU c
f you scribble shite like that
p shit: this diary IS you, boy.
he shape of four letters. I
rry, messy, anger - I must have
nse of things - well, better
ence right up front, right
ht there!
6 17 18 19 20 21 21 22 23 24 25
. Shit

ing - all fucking day is quite
e spent a hell of a lot of time
exciting - I must have looked
nce the start of the year, and
be fucked if I'm gonna sit down
fternoon, soaking up abuse from
s! I've got a home! - and it's
fuck is happening I don't
ll. I have some change and I
e dole office but I'm due for
EEK what am I going to do
darling. I am hoping they'll
upper's in the oven, there's
ice family get-together

p and down the Tunnel twenty
inutes. What the fuck am I
go back and talk to Mum and

friends - loads of writing
going; the writer's group -
d did I? Why Stu? Because you
ly doing >> FUCK ALL << down
O fucking great, as if she's
ng great, I'm stuck here in

t the colours in now, I would
ase put the colours in

in my hand.
this up, and I'm- I swear that
ppened. The words - STAy - are
m... But I feel like laughing,

- Dianne I mean. She actually
mach, come to think of it, she
it frightens me because I
d SHE knows I didn't, but I
ed; she said come on over here
A couple of little guys.
tely what she said, exactly

oice didn't echo. It was really
through some other... Thing,
in it.
uldn't feel it when I touched
e Tunnel towards her, looking
uddenly it was all so big and
n she slipped out of the box
anne, wait! Hang on!" - only my
ike normal, so I'm not sure if

he metal fence that boxes off
y do take a while to get
nd for a while I couldn't hear
or anything - anything at all -
-buzzing (ever-living?) lights.
outed. I turned round, stared
s a short, scruffy tube, which
nk of the London Underground.
in, sat precariously (with it's
on the fence I'd just crashed
couldn't make a sound, never

uckin dog turd with arms and
ncing in it's mouth. "Hey,
before. Something wrong?"

at's right, you read correctly

used to offer a lift to. The
t of my coat pocket on the
rican accent, oddly enough) how
nd that he wanted a FUCKING
ING kip (only my coat doesn't
but (shit no) he didn't

blown-up paper bag and dressed
silver studs, rather like the
ssed up in - whip in one hand,
him alright. The only thing I
e twat's name.
right now," I knew what he was
ift. Well fuck you, gobb-o, I
Been chucked out, didn'tcha
bastarding cunting mother.

am would dump you out on the
oblin, edging around on the
n shitniggle like that stop ya
ched his cigar out and pointed
ing. "I got urgent business to
coupla human footsteps short've
that dump is don'tcha?"

ced the ten pound note that now
of this diary. "Ten fuckin
made every fuckin night since
Think about it, Chesters." The
ndards). "Whatchoo gonna do
u gotcha self a Tunnel, yeah,
in package. If you wanna keep
our bones, you'd better start
tle cunt's name.

hat easy, Chesters," The cigar
time pointed downhill. He
yourself,' "Five for me, five
he deal."
down. There was another
he brightly illuminated
te, like the shadow of a badly

out it," I said reluctantly.
s. "Did you hear-" But he was
take. "Thanks," I snatched it
nose. "Come on then, climb

coat pocket and lifted it
de pocket?" he grumbled,
-like eyes. "Fuck me Chesters,

n my pocket, hands on the
mself into the deep end. "No
it and stamped on it. He

nd foul-mouthed shitbag) by
Tunnel. He rolled like a
perly, I mean, unlike the
night when Karen turned on the
no, this was REAL laughter).
T'Nucy Nit.
p like a big dog turd. I
suddenly accepting - and

g, dragging minutes of endless
the Beechwood Road turn-off
e two big, green boxing gloves
r side.
the library, I plucked the
Men and eased them down onto

y both shrieked in chorus and
he roadside wall. "Always put
, unseen. "Joo want the whole

ow featherlight but full of
or something), then announced:
gentlemen. Have a pleasant

to swirl round for the journey
fused Man's Journey, I was
visible again, screamed up
e're lookin after you, fucko!

k of this shit you ugly little

ange eyes twinkling like fire

ll take you." He hissed. With-
t supposed to mean?" I shifted
slid up the wall, stealing the
Except there was no trace of
istening spiderwebs and rain-

croscopic. "Hey, are you

d. I looked back down the road
... Getting closer. I stood
he light source exploded and I
t was: car headlights.

- those goblins were heavier
badly - and the car rattled
er of rainwater. I watched it,
ly describe as `an air of
e scene (the night, the cold,
ht, I could see the colour of

at least TRY to get some
h the goblins was real or
into my underpants.
r buy myself a few changes of
going to wash? How am I going

ge in the Tunnel: I've walked

ese entries are going to get a

ack to me today. A memory - my
ence - perhaps the underlying
the idea of rape. Rape

Nina, eight years since, and
next door and working in some
hey called her, and never
only I lost my ball over the
k, I had to had to knock.
e door closed. Warm, funny,
echo of a radio somewhere (I
ture and alien ornaments and
ent and sat on the settee and
then out into the green
as resting contently in a patch

ll from her garden! The whole
he whole of it: jagged-hole
an white sky, so I stayed for a

er back and I turned and said
nd she said no, it's okay, and
and smelt it and saw that she
ne (manners and all that even
it was hot); freezing ice,
as her lips turned bronze and

idge. If you ever want one,

ite blouse thing... Hung
ellow like dog's wee. She
nated because her (what
and plain to shape beyond that
ad ever been before to

clicked open (more skin and
entrefocus for my eyes only she
d me looking. Cold sticky
hardly touched my lolly, even
tching flies as Mum would say.
treet and friends yelled, Mum
birds flew overhead in a
" there was a little nipple
much much smaller than Mum's
y liked it, my lolly dropped on
d look look looked.
ly up and down and round the
ore at me, like she wanted to
re so blue I couldn't stare for
ink and so big nipples did
y nice she was beautiful, I

lips- tongue- swallowed, can't
home. Dog wee yellow all over
ib like Richie's old one that
oing...', `Can I touch...',
ang and echoed but never never

t... Come on."
e sweet-smelling tatty house,
hhhh," buttons undone

clung to pinkish red nipples,

nythin like this you have never

tell anybody, okay?"
't speak so nodded yes yes yes
paul won't tell anybody else

o shake. It's okay."
you never said this happened
to be older I-
anny as well. Honest. Go on

I reached out and up and- and-
like skin I had wanted to feel
gers across not soft but hard
na made a noise so I snatched

bronze lips. Bead of wee still
hing... And her chest was

ath soft lips against mine,
too was shaking- sweating-
ee of home friends mum brother
she licked and pulled up
g in her mouth and then things
ied me to different places and
erself as I watched through
ff branch that was my own
ke these days now in Adult

us both on it bottom top bottom

days, and forever after when I

. There are great problems. And
is the fact that I'm quite

Perhaps from a dream, perhaps
t it did NOT happen, not in

haps I made up the part where I
up thoughts - and recorded a
f to say to myself, my REAL

e another eight fucking years

end in this place now that the
I'm engraving marks in the
riend STAy over there.
some boxer shorts, some sand-
of fruit from one of the stalls
h the dosh because I'm sure
back tonight, outside the
l be very happy to oblige.

ook a slow bite from the Boots'
ne of the voices... (could it
moment I was filled with so
rensound that I let a gooey
and splat on the floor like
't! needles & pins and I ached
was with somebody ELSE this
riends TONIGHT?)

otsteps. And then in they came
em, masking their lower faces

she was talking to me over a
hat the fuck's going on?"
ion (whatsisname? what?), a
perately, almost bleeding with
ot and lightning fast - shoot
red into my lair like marines
a sound but all I got was a
stuck there - an elastic band,

n help me please)]

like a pirate for treasure and
r some time. "WHAT HAPPENED!"
ke that one but I couldn't see
her hair her touch her being...
e and mouth to stop running but
s like "how are you?" and "mum
sic hints of communication
ttractive, Poor Stuart way. It
I'm Bruce," He offered me his
eezed it tightly to show I
guy was big and the guy was
don't fuck with people who talk
ker, or who see the Retail Bugs
o, please..." I waved them
her not an appalling mess like
nnies don'tcha see how shallow

my sleeve. "I want you to
. We'll find somewhere for
will) "We'll gotoa-a-a-"


jumper. That was when Bruce
of the Machine's stomachlights
tatue from a mythical film (I
onaughts") and about as
as a cup of cold coffee on a

It's quite obvious to me that
is guy a medalion) "Are you
this subway?" (it's not a
Drug Tunnel) "Can't you smell
nd, wrinkling his nose up.
how do you think it's going to
hin again, that lovely spiky
en Karen's cuntlips yet has it
is a friend of mine. I can
r a place to kip because I
with Karen at the moment," (I
me) "But I can give you

n I smile, now: my lips are
much, but a little. I'll

f my coat and took a few
was lying, but I just winked.
an, what they symbolise? Or do
algolem's cock inside you all

he place stunk. The lights
ks staggered past, squinting

ped midnight.
whispered. "It's morning now.
ed her jacket.

ly under my message "ENDLESS

thed and stopped massaging his


you can tell?"

so much to just leave it as
Isn't she?" I added (please

ed. "Maybe she was for a while,
over now. Perhaps a fantasy, me
iled to himself. "She said I

rsely, viciously.
y hostile eyes, before nodding

sn't whispering anymore - in

will you?"

e wanted to cry part of me
the blood across the walls of
smug hedgehog chin out of the
east (that had stolen my yes
to curl up and go to sleep and
over but the real real real
from a single surviving
orrupted heart told me it was
my own lack of self-
elf-power self self self self

rouched beside me. "I'll tell
ll her how I feel, okay?
he will. I mean- shit, just

bbed his eyes. "You're right,
ever will be. I like her, a
a great friend, and christ we
what you said a few moments
is all I wanted." He looked

last and I wondered: are you
own at the sleeping girl.

ay, and I was left with a patch
ould fade so quickly I would
in his arms.

, we're going home."
ow, I promise," She called over
herries. "Take care, don't go
d thinking fucked up thoughts)
e little guys were back, so I
prepare myself for the long

rch on the fence. "You gotta
on't keep on being the young-
They grow up! And there's
moping around and wipe that
places to go, am I right?

nodded. "Right."
d we were off - no delays. The
idn't complain as much as they
I enjoyed myself.
de up that bizzare sexual
have become so vivid and

ot into place around the non-
ake it feel as though it DID
there was a voice whispering
ome when you overheard your
ou saw Nina naked one day!
u should try and remember the
lowing all this? or are you
up conscience?"
s tonight, but I did come back
nds in my pocket, and now...

he old ones in the bushes -
& sauce) and I'm now going to
watch the moths (or are they
fall asleep.
ing to "solve a jigsaw puzzle"

der the Tunnel, I was outside,
ly lingers. I had been blown, I
aves. According to my watch it
d stiff and starving, so I

slideshow. I spent most of it
hard (if he was upset, if he
ed or letting Mum tear it up
ooking for me, if HE'D been

me. And let's face it, I do
idence anymore, no faith, no
l, no nothing...

y - I'm obviously going insane,
ppens to me- what I see through
should I make it up? I spend
er making a fictional diary
look back and remember it that
ity from fantasy?
what's real, what's unreal,

s. And one wine bottle used up.
l tell you what happened shall

eached into my pocket like I
gun or something but instead I
ty wine bottle, which crack-
leaving me with a circular-
owed walking - stopped walking
slowly, grinning.
." I smiled, holding up the
rolled out of it, hit the
he whole of the crane, not just

at me, drunk as usual but
me, his friend, his contact,
ight Zone, gone mad, turned
, I think - and I advanced as
still giving me abuse, but in
ic voice.
t us master, we're sorry-]
realised the smell and the
alls and the new grafitti done
might be my own and might not
ome to Daddy...
is voice fresh and new and low
ath the Tim. The darkest depths
kicked me and driven me to
k. "What the fuck are you gonna
ad with that, eh? You're fucked

tricity. My fingers were
n was running with sweat.
clenched teeth.
Three more. Tim in the lead,
all, I was his friend.
led, arms held out. "You're
are ya Stu, eh? You're just a

screamed and that I was the
ght with the teenage girls -
n, terrified of insanity,
eld high and ready to strike.
but I do remember slicing open
back and slashing him across the
ght I would trip. I remember
ding me, filling my mouth,

l and collapsing not with the
e of glass and the crack-whip

r... Except her warmth. I do
soon, I can sense it. They
m satisfied that tonight I chased
away, away from here and I am
ead his guts all over this

hurt you in the past or you
e breakup. I took the risk
, two-sided friendship - would
o deep down d n't give a fuck
ed, throughout?

e all over the kitchen floor
and the Bug did a million more,

ellow-white like puddles and
am in a cardboard tube, a
t but I'm not allowed to leave.
ike rivers of melted butter

id you could have the spare
staying here, I won't let-"

rom here, I can see it, I love
for hurting you, I can see it,

that, crying I think, though
tter, like little heating fans,
my face.
e road that the things we
bottles, rope, black bags,
k and made-up-fantasies. They
to solve - crack that and
for anything to happen and
what I wait f r doesn't exist
ad) up here, do you get it
g to make sense.
e that is Steve today when he
butter) and stopped and
e turned to pity and offered
ok, before I hooked the rope
cross the ground, nearer and
wap, nearer and nearer to the
ast, and I swung him ---> I
ng and crying and bleating like
nto the monster's buttercoated
en his body to the waist, then
f my world, out of my nest, out

s I flicked the lighter up and
his voice to leave like the
ever be back.
ough he didn't hear, and I can,
to see if I was still alive
olice man with him through the
a big binliner he was holding
something caught, something

s, he looked different, not a
his eyes was a different

ed him.
," he replied, smiling.
he waved before disappearing
ter the dimension flash, the
h and rattle - big it was,
staggered up and took hold of

e plastic clash of legs, the
of Retail Bug shit - black
ape of bullets, I sensed - as
hrob and thrash and kick and

c ld. Tore through my jeans,
he bag and skidded down onto
lped and eventually leaped free
spr ng for the southern box,
dimension flash.
Tunnel and chasing the
remember getting to here, laid
in the dark. Magnus said some-
o pieces with glass in the back
ring aimlessly by a man

gnus climbed out of my pocket.
sault, sat up and made his eyes

id, grinning. "End of the road,

ed to be back at the Tunnel in
think some more about the past
of the things the STAy message
somehow, you know, I couldn't,
ng, the final frontier, the
father felt like before death,
urring his vision was and how
all sins he must have been.
h the dreams," smiled Magnus,
could see the bricks in the
ace the music, fucko. Stand in
e, out in the middle of the
hs, silent and freezing and
ing as Magnus disappeared and I
y to STAy now and tackle the
down, up-down, and to scream
nd, right to the fucking END,
D, I scribb e to the END, the

inly of Karen. Remember being
nto mine.

g s mething, being told

lking, not m h from me - j st
d Richard. Mum cryin�. Mum
rem er touching my face and
shes where I kept t e items I
und glu of all things in plas

eyes. Se med excited. Quite a
I h ve met before. Papers

ou ."
t be good ne s, unless of
g it up... Or whate er. I

s r n ou